Well, let me tell you, these past two weeks have been very very difficult for me, but not for the reasons you may think. The week of my surgery my older son was suspended for a week from school for bullying. Feel free to skip this post, because it is all downhill from here.
I don't know how to describe how distressing this was, for the other family involved and for us. It would have been easier if my son was the one being picked on. To put it in context, this was more upsetting to me than hearing the diagnosis of cancer from my doctor those months ago. Really.
I expected better of big son.
To be the parent of a bully is a terrible thing. (I am ok not having a discussion about where we went wrong. As you can well imagine we've had a few of those already.)
We first learned he was picking on another child shortly before my surgery and there was insufficient time between learning what was happening and suspension to successfully address the issue with Lucas. Hardly surprising since we were a little distracted by the surgery business. And in case you wanted to try this particular combination of ills, I can tell you having a son at home because of suspension while you are recovering from a traumatic surgery is not the best situation for either party.
Suddenly there was this whole other stress in the picture (not just sleeping sitting up, draining my own bodily fluids, trying not to hurt myself turning out the bedside lamp, waiting on the pathology report, etc.). Now I had questionnaires to fill out, counselors to call, appointments to make and I had to figure out a means to get there. Above all, what was going on with Lucas and how can we help him? But before I knew it, I had to be up and about. You mean my time to legitimately stay in bed, without expectations of me...is gone?
I didn't even have the luxury of mental isolation to deal with viewing my mastectomy scars and everything that that entails (fill in your worst ideas here). Preparation doesn't help, better get yourself some good drugs if this befalls you. The big cry I've been hinting at? Well that was supposed to be now, but like all demanding children, I've had to suck it up and give big son (even) more attention.
So now I am the parent of a bully and in the words of the principal "the history [of Lucas bullying] is there", so now we are in 'expulsion-threat purgatory' for the rest of the school year irregardless of Lucas' intentions. We haven't even completed first term. Hmmm, well since I was starting to sleep better, this will take care of that situation.
Big son started back school now and seems to be doing better. It's funny how with some kids the parental management required is profound, increases over time and for good measure changes..all in order to achieve the same results that with some other kid would require only a few parental nudges. For sure Lucas is dealing with some issues (in fact he is acting like a girl going through puberty right about now), but at the end of the day he is a good child and we hope he has turned his back on his mistakes. So far, it looks like he has.
And now we are taking the time to visit more frequently at lunch time, we have weekly counselor visits with Lucas, I have weekly physical therapy and in a week and a half - daily radiation treatments. I figure I need some recovery time after this "recovery" time.
I don't know how to describe how distressing this was, for the other family involved and for us. It would have been easier if my son was the one being picked on. To put it in context, this was more upsetting to me than hearing the diagnosis of cancer from my doctor those months ago. Really.
I expected better of big son.
To be the parent of a bully is a terrible thing. (I am ok not having a discussion about where we went wrong. As you can well imagine we've had a few of those already.)
We first learned he was picking on another child shortly before my surgery and there was insufficient time between learning what was happening and suspension to successfully address the issue with Lucas. Hardly surprising since we were a little distracted by the surgery business. And in case you wanted to try this particular combination of ills, I can tell you having a son at home because of suspension while you are recovering from a traumatic surgery is not the best situation for either party.
Suddenly there was this whole other stress in the picture (not just sleeping sitting up, draining my own bodily fluids, trying not to hurt myself turning out the bedside lamp, waiting on the pathology report, etc.). Now I had questionnaires to fill out, counselors to call, appointments to make and I had to figure out a means to get there. Above all, what was going on with Lucas and how can we help him? But before I knew it, I had to be up and about. You mean my time to legitimately stay in bed, without expectations of me...is gone?
I didn't even have the luxury of mental isolation to deal with viewing my mastectomy scars and everything that that entails (fill in your worst ideas here). Preparation doesn't help, better get yourself some good drugs if this befalls you. The big cry I've been hinting at? Well that was supposed to be now, but like all demanding children, I've had to suck it up and give big son (even) more attention.
So now I am the parent of a bully and in the words of the principal "the history [of Lucas bullying] is there", so now we are in 'expulsion-threat purgatory' for the rest of the school year irregardless of Lucas' intentions. We haven't even completed first term. Hmmm, well since I was starting to sleep better, this will take care of that situation.
Big son started back school now and seems to be doing better. It's funny how with some kids the parental management required is profound, increases over time and for good measure changes..all in order to achieve the same results that with some other kid would require only a few parental nudges. For sure Lucas is dealing with some issues (in fact he is acting like a girl going through puberty right about now), but at the end of the day he is a good child and we hope he has turned his back on his mistakes. So far, it looks like he has.
And now we are taking the time to visit more frequently at lunch time, we have weekly counselor visits with Lucas, I have weekly physical therapy and in a week and a half - daily radiation treatments. I figure I need some recovery time after this "recovery" time.
Comments
Sorry to hear things are so tough just now. I'm actually feeling quite annoyed with the school on your behalf - you're having a difficult time right now, and quite probably Lucas is too, and it doesn't sound as if they are cutting either of you any slack. I hope that they are more reasonable than they sound from what you wrote.
Anyway, stay strong, you will survive this!
Thinking of you,
Savi
Thanks for your sympathy :) I can imagine for the other family, it was a relief to have Lucas out of school. However, I was just dismayed that they told Lucas that they would suspend for another incident rather than having him sit out recess for example.
There were a few things working against us (aside from our personal situation).
Apparently this had started towards the end of the school year last year, nevermind that nobody knew/recognized anything, I feel the consequence may have taken that into account rather than when the clock actually started for us. It also didn't help that the principal is new this year so her experience of Lucas limited to these reports alone. Fortunately the teachers who know him have been very helpful and reassuring since they have a broader experience of Lucas.
We will survive!