The Scale of Missed Dinners

It has occurred to me that even though I rejoined the workforce over 5 years ago, I have not made many posts about what it has been like for me as a working mom. It can be a bit schizophrenic,  described in an earlier post - The mind of a working parent.

The challenge is still the same: work/life balance, especially if you have children who are growing up in an increasingly complex world, moving at an increasingly faster pace.

Here are 6 things I believe that help keep me on track:

1. Determine the scale of missed dinners.

Know before you even start a job, what you are willing to live with. 

Imagine you are a family that had dinner at the table every night, decide in advance how many missed dinners you'd be willing to accept before you became unhappy. Does the company support flexible work schedules? How many hours per week are you expected to work?  Would you be comfortable missing 1 dinner per week? 3? In my case, my parameters are the amount of sleep and gym sessions I miss.

2. What does success look like?

Understand the expectations for your role. 

Can you do what is expected of you to be successful and exceed expectations in your role? What does it mean for the next role you may be interested in? Does it fit within your boundaries? Speak up if it does not fit your boundaries, but be prepared for the answers.

3. Prioritize relentlessly.

Self-explanatory. It takes a lot of discipline to prioritize everything in your life, not only at work but at home. When you've prioritized the immediate and short term items, prioritize again. Sometimes, that may even mean making some apparently selfish choices, like getting extra sleep instead of a night out with your friends. I cannot do everything all at once, even though sometimes I try.

 

4. Delegate.

Only do what you alone can do, as far as possible.

If you have noone to delegate to, then ask your team for help or get your work distributed differently or re-prioritized by your manager if it is too much. Do what only you can do.

5. "Done is better than perfect."

This is on the walls at Facebook headquarters, and quoted in Sheryl Sandberg's book "Lean In". It is a hard lesson to learn to be ok with a deliverable that is NOT the same as you imagined. If you have your boundaries, and you have prioritized ruthlessly, and only you can do this work - well then, good enough will have to do. Usually nobody else but you knows the picture in your own head, and your apology,  "If only I had more time, I would have...", should never leave your lips.

6. Don't hold a grudge.

Holding a grudge makes balance hard to achieve.

Information Technology may still be considered a predominantly male industry and you just have to be aware that jackasses exist everywhere. Set boundaries, so that even if you are forced to ignore them, they don't bring their jackass behaviour around you. Don't hold a grudge, because the men in the organization aren't holding on to what idiotic thing they did or said to someone, or what someone may have said to them.
Draw an imaginary line, make sure they know not to cross it and then go about your business as if nothing ever happened. All it takes is raised eyebrows, one step back, no smile or words to gloss over whatever awkwardness it may be; then move on.

7. It's not about the kids.

Work/life balance is not always about kids.

Not too long ago, I went to an all-day conference in town on a Friday. At the end of it a few of my colleagues stayed for the happy hour. I could have joined them for a while and gotten to know them a bit better - always a good thing. Or, I could have just gone home to be with my family.

I elected to go home, despite being tempted to stay. My husband and the kids were just settling down to cartoons in front of the TV, a most awesome start to a weekend. I got my dinner and sat on the sofa, and the little one came up and put his head in my lap and watched the show. Afterward, we played indoor soccer, adults vs kids, it was a lot of fun and filled with laughter.
If I had not come home, the kids would have enjoyed their dinner with TV, and would likely have played soccer with my husband very happily and I would have tucked the little one in, and said goodnight to both boys and they would have been perfectly happy. But I would have missed that evening with them.
In the end, it is not so much about them as it is about me.

What am I willing to give up for work? Less and less apparently.