There have been many articles about things women do, and what women should just stop doing, including articles about the “stop” list!
I was compelled to add my 5 things because I’ve been frustrated by what I saw in my professional life and most recently, my personal life.
# 1 Stop with the big explanations.
Very often I saw women lead with a discussion of their rationale for some decision rather than focusing on the decision itself. There seemed to be an innate need to justify the reasoning behind any decision even explaining why one day is better for the movies!
Better:
State the decision, explain more only if asked. It is ok not to explain. If you choose to explain, be concise and factual about the reasons why. The end. Just try it. Frankly I found this approach gave others confidence in what I was saying, always helpful in a professional context.#2 Stop apologizing.
This was number 1 on most of the “stop” lists. In my professional life I saw that constantly. Women apologized for disturbing someone, or for asking someone to do their job. If a woman made a mistake, the apology was followed by #1: the big explanation. Don’t do it! Resist!
Better:
If you made a mistake, say that “I made a mistake” but then follow with all the things you learnt because of it, and the next steps to move forward. Don’t focus on the mistake and apologizing, focus on the recovery.Better:
If you are asking someone to do something that really is their job but asking directly makes you uncomfortable, or “feels” too commanding, ease into it. Confirm that it is their responsibility, then follow up with your ask, which will flow naturally. Worst case, they may not be responsible for what you are inquiring about and now you know.#3 Stop confusing being nice with saying “Yes” all the time.
Being nice does not mean letting others take advantage of you or always being accommodating to your own detriment.
I think many of us are concerned about being called a “Bitch” or worse if we hold people accountable for their actions or if we say “No”. I’ve learned to set boundaries and expectations in my personal and professional life and I don’t believe anyone who knows me would call me a bitch, in fact I would guess that most everyone would call me a nice person.
Better:
If there is something you want to say “No” to, stick with the facts, be direct, but not cruel. Offer an alternative that works better for you if that applies.#4 Stop Being afraid.
I know, I know, easier said than done. I am still working on this one myself. Women self-select out of challenging situations and one reason is out of fear - fear of the unknown, fear of not being good enough (more on this at LeanIn)
Better:
Think about things differently. Pretend you are trying on a new hat or shoe and you just want to see how it will fit. Just try something new, that you may be afraid to. Figure out the worst that can happen, discuss with a friend, take a friend, practice on a friend, take baby steps. It is ok if things don’t work out as you planned, what did you learn from it?The shoe/hat may not fit, may not look like you expected, but now you know.
Made a recipe you’ve never done before? Recruited top talent to your team? Consider the success you had overcoming a challenge in another part of your life. That is the evidence that you CAN try new things.
#5 Stop taking everything personally.
A friend was concerned about raising an issue with the school principal, but was also concerned about how the principal would take it. Maybe women are too empathetic?
On the flip side, it seems to me that many women receive feedback as personal criticism and internalize it as such.
Better:
If you are receiving feedback, imagine this feedback is about a child or close friend. What kinds of questions would you ask on their behalf? Depersonalize it, ask about steps to change, data, facts. You would want to better understand what to improve/change.Better:
If you want to provide feedback, again, think of it as providing feedback to a child or close friend. You still want to be close to them, so find out the objective information they need to make changes.Better:
If someone is telling you something that feels like a personal attack, and not objective, imagine what advice you would give your child or close friend. Then take that advice.Finally, I would love to hear more about your thoughts, feel free to comment on my blog!
If you want more things to stop, here is one from the Huffington Post: 23 things every woman should stop doing.
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