5 Years ago today

I had a bilateral mastectomy. 

 

Pink Shoelaces. See p.s. for the note about them.

 

It was traumatic.

I have not written a whole lot about how emotional the cancer journey has been for me, I tend to keep that kind of thing under wraps. In fact, this is what I wrote 5 years ago Week 21 - Surgery.

I don't have any pictures of my scars or the tubes or anything but there are some memories and feelings that will stay with me for the rest of my life.

I had steeled myself on the first visit to the oncologist, so even "Stage III" did not make me break down. I took it like a woman.

I didn't breakdown when my hair started to fall out or when I stared back at my bald self with no eyebrows nor eyelashes.

I didn't collapse under the weight of the chemo and what it did to me, but I'll tell you what broke me:

• The first time I unwrapped those bandages and looked at myself, and looked at the scars and the hollowed out spaces in my chest and the draining tubes sticking out of my body (I still tear up thinking about it). AND

• The first time I emptied my drains of fluid. (For the uninitiated, after surgery, in order to drain the fluids at your surgery site and prevent potential infection and swelling, plastic tubes with a collection bulb remain attached to you. As the fluid drains from your body, you need to empty the collection bulb. See the wiki article and picture here). 

Yep. Those two things go down in the list of things I will always remember, and really it is the feelings I had that sticks with me and washes over me, even now.

I recall my surgeon afterwards telling me that we spoke after I came out of the anaesthesia, about which I had no recollection.

I don't know if my husband still has the letter I wrote him..., you know..., just in case...

I remember feeling crushed when my older son came home suspended from school not 3 days later. I had to walk around with my drains/bulbs hidden in my jacket (using pink-pockets - temporary pockets stuck inside clothes to support the bulbs), while I found a psychologist for him and took him to the couple of sessions needed as a pre-requisite for returning to school.

I had a healthy dose of self-pity those two weeks I can tell you.

But now it is 5 years later.

The insurance I bought then is still holding.

Happy birthday to me.

Follow me on Twitter @AustinTrini and Instagram @AustinTrini .

p.s. Pink shoelaces? Well, when you have drains, you need to carry them around, usually in a mastectomy top which has pockets to hold the collection bulbs. However, what do you do when you go in the shower? Well you tie the drains/bulbs with shoelaces and hang them around your neck. These are the ones that I used 5 years ago.

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