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The shoe has dropped

I've been at home full-time now for 9 months and during all this time, I've been wondering when I'll reach the brick wall, when I'll reach the point where I say, "Enough!" In short, when the other shoe will drop. I think it's here.

I've noticed some subtle? changes in my behavior. I used to be a morning person..now I've become a no-time-of-day person. I'm pretty grumpy sometimes and it takes very little to set me off. Maybe it's because I haven't gotten one night's restful sleep in almost 2 years? (Pay attention all of you out there who don't have kids yet!) All I know is that when I was getting much less sleep than I am now, and working full-time, I was a pretty happy person. I had everything in neat, little cardboard boxes in my head and I could pull out any work or home item and be totally on top of things. Now, that cardboard is all soggy and mushy upstairs (see my post in Oct 2008 about this).

Since I actually have some time to ruminate...I do..and in the continuing saga of TheNewMe, I have become someone I never thought I would have. I am one of those who has opened and actually read a self-help book (indeed, quite a few). Yes, yes, I can imagine my working friends groaning about this person they know less and less. I too used to be someone who only had enough time to make sure I got the same color shoe on each foot.

But back to the books. There were many things that didn't apply to me. For example, setting unrealistic expectations. My first couple weeks at home trying to do groceries with Liam cured me of that. Neither do I beat myself up over things I didn't do (I'm working on this one), but I am getting better and better at forgiving my own laziness and ineptitude...(Maybe I need to go back and read a few of those books is what you're probably thinking right about now.) I always knew how to procrastinate and rationalize it as a good thing, so I didn't need any self-help in this area.

But seriously, one of the better and short books that served as a good reminder for me was 'Don't Sweat the Small Stuff...and it's all small stuff' by Dr. Richard Carlson. It is a collection that one knows and makes sense, but one just doesn't do (e.g. make time to be thankful, make time for yourself, do acts of kindness etc.) . Like all books, there were some points that I have yet to be convinced about (like letting go of ..The Idea that Gentle, Relaxed People Cannot be Superachievers), but I'm open-minded..I can let my imagination roam into happy places.

Now, it's not that the other books didn't have a nugget or two. One in particular resonated with me, which is "I am tired". I say that frequently and as I realized, it wasn't because I was mentally or even physically tired really. I was just tired being "on duty" 24x7 with my only break on the weekends.

So, my takeaway from all the stuff I've read (and ignored) is that Liam is going into some sort of daycare - target date May (that represents making time for me) and I'm going to work on writing and publishing....something! That means...I have a goal. Having something that I am working toward and I hope successful at, that is unrelated to home and family apparently is a big deal for me. My professional life provided that to me in spades, so I need to figure out what will provide this now.

One final note. My husband passed his CFA level 1 exam (most excellent news since the pass rate is like 35%). That means he is now signed up for CFA level 2 (in June). I will become a CFA widow again, leaving me even more time to ponder. And I will.

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