Why did I entitle this post, "So dock it from my pay"? Well I went to get some servicing done on my car and the standard operating procedure is for me to call my husband before the dealership does anything extra. He can decide if the work is reasonably priced (he usually says not). It went something like this:
I call G, no answer.
"Go ahead and do the work, I can't reach my husband."
1 1/2 hours later my husband called back, "How much??!!" when I told him the price-tag, and the first thing that went through my mind was, "So, dock it from my pay". Yes, that non-existent pay, but it got me thinking about one of the minefields for the stay-at-home parent - how to manage the money. Should the parent get an allowance free and clear? Do you feel comfortable spending? Would you even consult your partner about spending on something if you were the one earning it? So many questions.
I've been very fortunate in our financial relationship since I quit work, because of these things I think:
I call G, no answer.
"Go ahead and do the work, I can't reach my husband."
1 1/2 hours later my husband called back, "How much??!!" when I told him the price-tag, and the first thing that went through my mind was, "So, dock it from my pay". Yes, that non-existent pay, but it got me thinking about one of the minefields for the stay-at-home parent - how to manage the money. Should the parent get an allowance free and clear? Do you feel comfortable spending? Would you even consult your partner about spending on something if you were the one earning it? So many questions.
I've been very fortunate in our financial relationship since I quit work, because of these things I think:
- Financial Identity. Having been an immigrant with no financial identity in the US, it is very important I maintain what I have, now that I have one. We went the route of a secured credit card to establish a credit history and I continue to have a credit card in my name. I feel good about that. This was non-negotiable.
- Checks & Balances. Our household budget does require more management now with one income. Our check and balance is that while my husband is earning, I look at our expenses. Nothing scares me into passing on a sale like looking at what we've spent for the month so far!
- Financial Independence. Part of this is having a financial identity apart from my husband's, but it's also being able to spend for small expenses without having to ask for money. We have a "petty cash" stash that I use freely. And finally, in my mind, I feel financially independent because despite what the economy is telling me, I feel I could get a job if I had to (rose-coloured glasses and all). I think that mindset frees me from feeling beholden - if there comes a time when I am not happy with the arrangement, I could make a new one.
- A Healthy Relationship - between us and with money. This last one is a biggie. My husband doesn't have any hangups about who earns and neither do I. We talk about big purchases and I don't get questioned, or second-guessed because of my spending. In fact, our financial relationship remains the same as if I was earning my own money (but now there's less of it).
Comments
I have heard all sorts of stories from friends about the inappropriate choices some people make in the US-like a secretary buying a $600 Hermes belt to show off at work, people who are employed (as opposed to own a business, where entertaining can generate income) and income is 200K a year renting a house in the Hamptons in the summer for $60K etc.
A surprising fact is the in Britain credit card debt is actually higher than in the US-young people get credit cards and treat them like free money, buying thousands in clothes each.
Again, there are people in the Caribbean who try their best to catch up, but I think the percentage is much smaller.
Thank you for those really good points! I totally agree that it is cultural. One additional fact in our favour is both G and I are similar in our attitude towards money. I think it would be quite a strain if we weren't.
We have to think about how to inculcate our financial values in the boys.