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How often do you tell your children "No"?

I overheard a mom telling her, maybe 4-year old, not to watch T.V - this was on the way to dropping him off at the gym childcare.  You'd be pleased to know that I restrained both my voice and my eyebrows in response to this obviously ludicrous suggestion:
  • That a 4-year old would be able to restrain himself if the television is on and his mother wasn't there and
  • That the childcare staff would actually care
I wasn't however able to restrain myself at a recent birthday party where a father sat his maybe 18-month son on the edge of a sandbox and told the poor tyke "You can play but you are not to go in."  I told the dad that he was evil, but I don't think I helped.

Aside from those observations, it did get me thinking about the parenting style that says, "The kids have to learn the word 'No' " and the style that says, "I don't want to have to keep saying 'No' all the time, so I'll just not expose them to things they can't have or would break".

Favouring the low-stress solution, we fall into the latter camp, the other parents clearly fell into the former.  Even though it is true that children must learn the word "No", we try to use it sparingly and it is very often in the context of "Not now", "Later".  That seems to be the kinder, gentler method... on us (we aren't so concerned about the children, they'll adapt).

I remember one parent who didn't want her children to drink soda, so whenever she had it at home, she would put it in a coffee mug, and tell her kids it was coffee (which they knew they couldn't have).  Me, I drink tea, and I didn't tell Liam that it is a drink for adults, (which I should have), so now I make a very sweet, milky and diluted cup of tea for him.

I figure there will be other times in his life to come when he will hear plenty of "No"s.  Does he really need to hear it from me, now?

Comments

Unknown said…
I think its very important that kids learn that they can't get everything they want whenever they want it. And one reason for that is because life is simply not configured to say 'yes' to them all the time. I think it's important that they learn how to deal with not getting what they want everytime. So while as a parent one might be in a position to not say 'no' i think it's important that we do so when appropriate. I tell my son 'no' lots of times and most of the times i explain why but sometimes i don't and that too is deliberate.
Austin Trini said…
Well after taking the approach of limiting how often we say "No" to Lucas, we see clearly how he deals with it - that is, to argue his point, and argue some more! So now, Liam gets to hear "No" lot more than Lucas ever did!
Anonymous said…
Salina, I am hooked on the "Love and Logic" series... I think the earlier in life you start this, the easier it is to use it forever (especially with strong-willed ones like I have), it is a life-saver. It is not big on "no"...but is big on natural consequences, instilling critical and creative thinking, and accountability... highly recommend it... KKL
Austin Trini said…
Kasie, you said the magic word - Accountability! I've added them to my Amazon wishlist. Aside from the discipline issues, we have a related issue with big son regarding owning up to what he's done. His is never a "yes" or "no" answer it is always "but" or "what happened was..." I need to get better tools in my parenting tool box! thanks for the recommendation.
Anonymous said…
Salina, good deal! Let me know how you like them. At first the principles/behaviors for the parents seemed 'mean' to me, but it works as my frustration is not nearly what it used to be.:) Again, I love your blogs - just got done reading your two most recent. I'm always excited to see a new one post - they are only getting more fun to read. In a strange way it makes me feel less alone or bothered when I see that someone else goes through similar challenges and I always learn from you, too - just like old times. ;)
Austin Trini said…
Hey KKL, I am glad that you enjoy the posts! I really do like hearing from you> I'm not sure I deserve the accolades, but I'll take them anyway - and that learning bit...it works both ways!

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