When my mother died from breast cancer, I spent a long time going over the same questions in my mind. How could this have happened? I could have helped, why didn't I? Why didn't I ask for details about her health, about tests she'd had or should have had? Why didn't I probe more?
Why didn't I take better care of her?
In the end, I concluded that I didn't ask those questions because I was the child of my mom, she was the parent and I expected my parents to take care of themselves. I didn't think I had to take care of them.
So, at what point does a child assume the responsibility for taking care of their parent? What is that trigger or signal that says, "It's time to be in charge of mom or dad". Unfortunately it seems to me that there is no real "time" (bar an event in which the parent is incapacitated), but is more of a sliding scale. The slider starts out with the child not being responsible and then moves over to greater and greater responsibility over time.
What made me blind to that shift?
Capability - My parents appeared capable of taking care of themselves. They still had the capacity to handle themselves and ask questions. Although perhaps not as many questions as another interested adult might have asked.
Age - My parents were not so old that it was clear they needed more support. Now that my dad is 82 it's pretty clear that someone other than him needs to be thinking about his needs, and not just his health needs.
Mindset - Sad to say, I was stuck in a Child-Parent view of our relationship and I needed to take the step to Adult-Adult mindset. Now with my dad I feel I have to move more towards the Parent-Child mindset, where I am fulfilling the role of Parent. While not being disrespectful to my dad, I do have to pay attention to him as I would my own children. I have to seek his interest in health, meals, entertainment, sometimes even despite his protestations.
I will always be a child to my dad and my dad will always be my dad, but I am grateful that I've been able to move to the Adult-Adult relationship that makes the transition to the Parent-Child phase that much easier.
Why didn't I take better care of her?
In the end, I concluded that I didn't ask those questions because I was the child of my mom, she was the parent and I expected my parents to take care of themselves. I didn't think I had to take care of them.
So, at what point does a child assume the responsibility for taking care of their parent? What is that trigger or signal that says, "It's time to be in charge of mom or dad". Unfortunately it seems to me that there is no real "time" (bar an event in which the parent is incapacitated), but is more of a sliding scale. The slider starts out with the child not being responsible and then moves over to greater and greater responsibility over time.
What made me blind to that shift?
Capability - My parents appeared capable of taking care of themselves. They still had the capacity to handle themselves and ask questions. Although perhaps not as many questions as another interested adult might have asked.
Age - My parents were not so old that it was clear they needed more support. Now that my dad is 82 it's pretty clear that someone other than him needs to be thinking about his needs, and not just his health needs.
Mindset - Sad to say, I was stuck in a Child-Parent view of our relationship and I needed to take the step to Adult-Adult mindset. Now with my dad I feel I have to move more towards the Parent-Child mindset, where I am fulfilling the role of Parent. While not being disrespectful to my dad, I do have to pay attention to him as I would my own children. I have to seek his interest in health, meals, entertainment, sometimes even despite his protestations.
I will always be a child to my dad and my dad will always be my dad, but I am grateful that I've been able to move to the Adult-Adult relationship that makes the transition to the Parent-Child phase that much easier.
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